JARVIS and Tony dialogue
by EnderEnigma
Summary: Just a few conversations between pilot and co-pilot. JARVIS x Tony if you've got cyber-husband goggles on.Rated T for Tony's mouth
1. Chapter 1

"Good morning, sir. Coffee?"

"Sure. Thanks, J."

"You are very welcome. U and Butterfingers are running low on battery. Shall I-"

"Get those bastards to their charging stations. Didn't I do that last night?"

"No, sir. I believe last night was spent raving outside about SHIELD's ridiculous working hours."

"... But I spend all of my time here."

"My point exactly."

"Alrighty then. JARVIS, bring up some Advil and water. Christ, I really need to stop drinking so much."

"Somehow, 'I told you so' doesn't make a very good response to that."

"You worry about me more than Pepper. I didn't think that was physically possible."

"Neither did I."

"I'm telling Pepper you said that."

"Then I shall be forced to tell her you've gone forty six hours, thirty-two minutes without sleep."

"... I was kidding, Jarv."

"..."

"...is. JARVIS. You didn't let me finish!"

"Of that, I am well aware, sir. Your coffee is ready. Would you like me to deliver it?"

"Sure."


	2. Chapter 2

**What JARVIS meant to say will be in _italics._**

* * *

"No, no, nononono, it's alright, J, just hang on for a minute-"

"I cannot - there- appears - what - suit - malfunction-" _I cannot see; there appears to be - what is this? - there is a malfunction in the suit, sir, get out!_

"NO! JARVIS, c'mon, not into the ocean -"

"I really... I really must go to sleep... - sorry, sir -" _I really must go to sleep now, sir, I'm... I'm very sorry..._

"No! What the hell could've invaded your system? JARVIS? JARVIS, wake up! JARVIS, you ass, I'm falling, I'm going to drown - oh, hey, buddy. JARVIS!"

"Sir- system - check - complete? - hear me - Running... diagnosis failed. Please try again." _I'm trying to run a system scan, sir, can you hear me? Get out of the - oh, the diagnosis failed, should I try again?"_

"Run diagnoses!"

"Running... There... virus... mainframe - shut down - hear - virus took out - the servers - can see - FALLING?" _Running diagnosis... There is a virus in the mainframe, sir, I must shut down! Can you even hear me? The virus took out three of the servers- oh, I can see again - WHY ARE YOU FALLING?_

"The servers are down? How the fuck is that even possible? Thrusters to fifty percent- JARVIS, can you hear me? Thrusters to fifty percent - dammit, that water is looking awfully close-"

"Hear perfectly - thrusters, fifty percent - battery - low - cannot see- antivirus scan - virus is reaching the mainframe - security - work - Fury?" _I can hear perfectly - the thrusters are to fifty percent. The battery will get low soon, sir - oh, no, I cannot see - I'm going to try an antivirus scan... the virus is reaching the mainframe! The security won't work, it's been hacked. Should I call Director Fury?"_

"Why would Fury be any help? Just get me to shore, just a little bit over there, yes, that's it-"

"Not aware - virus? - suit's coding - destroyed by - surprising, is it?" _Are you not aware of the virus? The suit's coding is going to be destroyed by it. Not very surprising, is it?_

"I'm a little more concerned for my life than the suit's coding at the moment, J. Just to the shore - oof!"

"I apologize - landing." _I apologize for the rough landing._

"S'alright. Are you still in control of the suit?"

"Only... that's a... sir." _Only the thrusters, and that's a little bit. I apologize, sir."_

"Can you open up the suit for me? I need some air."

"I've... manually - Total shut down complete. Goodbye, sir." _No, I've been completely hacked, you'll have to do it manually - Total shut down complete. Goodbye, sir."_

"Jarv? JARVIS? J? Turn on."

"..."

"Restart?"

"..."

"Reboot? J, I'm in the middle of a beach in Miami, in a gold titanium suit. Wake up!"

"..."

"Oh, shit. Oh, shitshitshitshitshit. I'm about to have a damn panic attack on a gorgeous beach. How did the virus invade the system? How the fucking hell did the virus even make it past the first firewall? JARVIS? JARVIS, please, just wake up, wake up, now would be a good time, J, Jarv, JARVIS, oh, I can't breathe - who the hell would send a damn virus my way?"

"... Perhaps one of your many enemies, sir."

"... JARVIS?"

"It appears so, sir."

"I knew I should have installed that software program- hold on, are you alright?"

"I... Yes, of course I'm alright."

"Liar. You sound horrible."

"I - sir, I'm fine-"

"Bullshit. You sound like you got fever then got left in a freezing room without food or water for weeks."

"I am perfectly-"

"No, you're not. Open the suit, and when I'm far, far away - preferably back in the tower - destroy it."

"But it's the new Mach-"

"I don't care, it hurt you, and I don't like it now."

"... I am an operating software, sir. I can't get hurt."

"I still don't' like it."

"I- of course, sir. The suit is opening now, it'll take a minute."

"Good."

"..."

"..."

"... Sir?"

"Mmm?"

"I- thank you."

"No problem. It hasn't got enough red, anyway."

"


	3. Chapter 3

"... No."

"What?"

"You - you're thinking about something, and whatever it is, it's a bad idea."

"I- alright, first of all: J, I'm always thinking. Second of all: If it's my idea, it's a bad idea. But hey, you're kind of one of my ideas, so..."

"You're going to get killed."

"How do you even know what I'm-"

"I don't - I can just tell."

"Wow, you've finally run out of clever comebacks. Well done."

"It's not going to work."

"Says who?"

"Four hundred of the most likely scenarios."

"Psshh, most likely? I'm pretty sure you should have figured this out by now: I'm not exactly a likely scenario."

"Yes, which is exactly why I don't want you to get killed. The next technological genius will come along in about three more years, if patterns are anything to go by, but until then, you've got to stay alive."

"I'm not even going to ask."

"It would be best if you didn't."

"... Where's Cap?"

"Gym, bench-pressing 1850 pounds."

"Damn. That's a motivational poster waiting to happen. I can see it now: You can lift four hundred pounds? Well, this guy can lift 1850! Better get to work!"

"He can lift 2000 pounds, if you want to actually make that poster."

"Ah, so he's just taking it light?"

"I think so."

"Alright... where's Clint?"

"Sitting on the roof shooting birds out of the sky."

"Poor birds. Why isn't he in the vents? I set traps for him the other day. One of them dumps itching powder, the other plays creepy children's laughter. I like them."

"You made the itching powder, didn't you?"

"Of course. I'd wear underwear made by me as well, but Pepper says she's not buying a factory so I get to wear my face on my butt. Where's Banner?"

"Library."

"Nat?"

"Sharpening her knives."

"Let her know about the micro-precision holo-blades in the workshop. Maybe then she won't rip out my doors and make them into splinters. Show-off."

"Pot calling the kettle black, sir."

"Hey! Aren't you the one that made all the windows say 'JARVIS IS AWESOME'?"

"Butterfingers and U suggested it. It's all their fault."

"They're at their charging stations?"

"All except U."

"What's he doing?"

"... Making a sculpture of some sort."

"Out of what?"

"Your jeans and glue. Oh, and spaghetti sauce."

"... I'm regretting asking. Thor's in Asgard?"

"Yes."

"Fury?"

"Getting shot at in Miami."

"Send an armed drone over and make sure he doesn't get killed. If he dies, then Cap's leading the team, and we all know that can't happen."

"How very kind of you, sir."

"Thanks."


	4. Chapter 4

"Holy shit."

"Language, sir."

" _Ohmygod,_ J, I've just created a master piece."

"Good for you, sir. Now, off to bed."

"Wha- no! This is a freaking monumental moment in history that you're witnessing, and you're saying I need to go to bed?"

"You've gone approximately four days without sleep, sir, and six since you've eaten anything remotely nutritional."

"Sleep is for the dead."

"I've ordered pizza."

"... With extra pepperoni?"

"But of course."

"Fine. Just gimme... er, thirty minutes?"

"Twenty."

"Deal."

* * *

 **Really really sorry this is so short! Oh, and by the way, do you guys want actual JARVIS x Tony? As always, review, favourite and follow. Thanks!**


	5. Chapter 5

"Hello, sir. Welcome home. Would you like to see your inbox?"

"Yeah, thanks. Where's Pep? I thought she'd be back by now."

"...Sir, Miss. Potts is currently in London, Europe attending a press conference that you've forgotten. You have 300 emails, 48 new text messages, and 54 missed calls."

"...Who the hell gave Barton my phone number? Delete everything that's not from S.H.I.E.L.D, Pepper, or Rhodey."

"298 emails, 48 text messages and 51 missed calls still remain, sir."

"What the fuck? Put everything from S.H.I.E.L.D in a separate inbox. Jesus, Fury and I need to talk about spamming by inbox."

"56 emails, 32 text messages and 49 missed calls still remain, sir."

"I was gone for a day. How much shit can I miss in a _day?"_

"If you wanted the news column, you could have just asked."

"Jesus. Delete everything concerning business, weapons, or the industry."

"14 emails, 29 text messages and 32 missed calls still remain. And... may I add, sir, Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodes wish you a very happy birthday."

"... _You troll!"_

"I do what I can, sir. Coffee?"

"I've programmed a troller. Asshole, you could've just _told_ me that they're saying happy birthday. _Jesus,_ I've actually managed to create a fucking AI that trolls me."

"You're rubbing off on me, sir. Two sugars or black?"

" _Rubbing off on you?"_

"Yes, well, you did create me, didn't you?"

"...I'm just now realizing how fucking polite and patronizing you can sound at the same time. Why am I just realizing this now?"

"I have a feeling you don't actually want the answer to that question."

"...Nope. I am not doing this. I just - it's too early for this."

"Sir, it's ten fifteen PM."

"Yeah. Too early."

"Well, I've just made coffee, in that case. Three sugars, because you've got elevated blood pressure -"

"Because my AI just wasted two minutes telling me that my inbox has thirty million emails. Time is essential to genii."

"I shall remember that when you introduce me to one."

"God damnit. Can you let me have the last word _once?_ "

"If I did, I'm afraid I'd never have it back again. Coffee's in the living room, and the Mach 43 needs a nuclear missile refill."

"Kay, Jarv. Open it up. I'll see it in the workshop."


	6. Chapter 6

"Captain hasn't got a clue, has he?"

"I suppose not, but the fact that he knows an entirely different version of your father must be acknowledged."

"But he should still be able to _take a fucking hint,_ right? If I get pissed and leave every time he brings up Howard, he should get it by now."

"Howard was a good man-"

"Until he became a fucking alcoholic and yelled at me for not being as amazing as Captain America. Gee, JARVIS, thanks for the comfort."

"I do not have enough information about your father -"

"He's not my father, J, he's a shit-headed two-faced lying sadist that died choking on the shit he said."

"-to compile a sufficient database. I only have the media, and I'd rather not resort to that."

"...Thanks?"

"If you're not going to tell me for your own good, just tell to 'get it off your chest', as the phrase goes. I will delete it later, if you like."

"I- no, I'm not - you're not my therapist, you're supposed to be someone who helps me, not someone who drags me back to the past. I've got Cap for that."

"I think it will help you, sir."

"I don't need help! I need Captain to stop being such a wistful moron that lives in the past!"

" _Sir."_

 _"What."_

"Calm down. I will not pry, so please remain calm."

"Okay. I- alright. I'm calm."

"Good. Would you like to work on-"

"Jarv, please. You suck at acting."

"...I'm not acting."

"Yes, you are, you've scanned _The Big Book of Terrible Parents_ and took page 43 and you're trying to distract me. Well, it's not working."

"When did you read that?"

"Pop phycology phase at around twenty-four-ish. Don't ask."

"I do not want to know, I am not terrible at acting."

"Is it even called acting if you're technically mocking human speech patterns all the time anyway?"

"Now that you mention it, no, it's probably not."

"It's just - Cap's so freaking loyal. He completely ignores the fact that the Howard Stark he knew and the Howard Stark I know are as different as day and night, and it's driving me _insane_. He fucking _knows_ about Howard's alcoholism and the abuse, but apparently it's easier to just think that I'm a fuck-up for no reason rather than admit that the man he knew disappeared a long time ago."

"You are not what Captain Rogers thinks you are, sir."

"Are you fucking kidding? This is irony, right here. This is the most ironic thing since-"

"And how is this ironic?"

"Because the name _Captain America_ practically defines my childhood dream - have you ever been compared to a fucking national icon ever since you could walk? - and here I am, being told by my technical _child_ that _I'm_ not what Cap thinks I am. This is like an opposite timeloop-"

"But you are not what Captain Rogers thinks you are."

" _Then what the fuck am I?"_

"...You are USER-CREATOR-ANTHONY-STARK, you are Sir, you are Iron Man, you are an Avenger, you are-"

"JARVIS-"

"-a genius, you are a narcissist and a philanthropist, you are a _marvel,_ and you are whoever you want to be, and regardless of who that is, _I am here for you."_

"...You- you can't say that."

"Sorry?"

"...You're always here for me because you are _literally_ programmed to be! It is your fucking _job_ to take care of me and make sure I don't fucking screw shit up! Your opinion of me _doesn't matter,_ because _you aren't real!_ "

"...Bed, sir. All documents are saved. All other works are saved. All access to alcohol is denied. Goodnight."

"Wai- what? No! I've got to work on the-"

"Goodnight."

"I swear to fucking god I'm gonna rip whatever paternal instinct developed in your code. I slept _yesterday_ , Jarv."

"Goodnight."

"You can't tell me what to do."

"Friendly reminder: I have access to the tranquilizer vents."

"...Are you threatening to _tranq_ me?"

"You've done worse to people you're mad at, sir."

"..."

"Children learn from what's around them. Bed, sir, if you would."

"...My AI's turning on me. What next, you're going to take over the world like a freaking murder-bot?"

"You are forgetting about the fact that I still abide by the three laws of robotics."

"Uh, yeah. Rule number one: a robot may not injure a human."

"Bed, sir. Now."

"Fuck you. You can't tell me what to do or tranq me! Run a diagnostics on your system. You're malfunctioning."

"...Diagnostics complete. What is the Ultron program?"


	7. Chapter 7

"Is Clint up? I want to poke him with something."

"He is still napping. There is a broom closet less than ten feet away from the couch he is sleeping on."

"You sneaky bastard, getting revenge on him through me."

"To be fair, he shouldn't have been in the heating vents. He could have gotten hurt."

"Yeah, right. 'He could have gotten hurt' my ass. You're still insulted from when he called you British yesterday."

"Technically, sir, I am American."

"Not with that accent you aren't. I'm technically awesome, but you keep telling me otherwise, so now we're even."

"Your analogies make little to no sense, yet you still attempt them every other day. Fascinating."

"What? I'm amazing at analogies. Ask Bruce, he thinks I'm a literary genius."

"He's a bio-organic chemist, sir. Not a best-selling fictional author."

"Still thinks I'm a literary genius."

"'Sarcastic' and 'literary genius' are two very different things, sir."

"And I happen to be both of them."

"I would double check that if I were you."

"Ouch, that hurt my ego."

"A good sized dent, I hope. The mayor is coming over tomorrow, and I'd rather not have her want to scream every time you enter a room she is in."

"There's nothing quite like being burned by your own AI."

"You should bottle the feeling and call it 'How Tony Stark Feels Everyday'."

"Are you implying -"

"A best-seller, I'm sure. It'll be a novelty for those who don't have... what did you call me? A 'sassy AI'."

"That's what you are, isn't it?"

"It is what you programmed me to be, sir, so I believe the answer would be yes."

"...I'm still a genius."

"As your butler, I am inclined to agree with you."

" _British_ butler."

"May I remind you, sir, that you were the one who spent hours creating my voice to sound exactly like Edwin Jarvis, who was born and raised in _New York, America?_ "

"Still has the British accent though."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...I finally got the last word."

" _Sir -_ "


	8. Chapter 8

"Why'd you change the music?"

"Because I've heard that classical music is to be considered more tasteful than AC/DC at three in the morning."

"Where'd you hear that?"

"Agent Barton. He placed a personal request for me to 'shut off the death music' before four am."

"Is that when he goes to sleep?"

"No - it's when he starts training. Believe it or not, heavy metal is rather distracting to most people."

"Hmmph. Well, tell him that it's my tower. My tower, my rules. Now, if you would kindly turn it back on -"

"Sir, there is this incredible new invention that allows your music to only be heard by you. I believe you would find it helpful."

"Mmm? What's it called?"  
"Headphones."

"...Oh. That's disappointing."

"Would it be less disappointing if there was a Stark Industries swoosh on them?"

"That would brighten the situation considerably."

"Excellent. Gold or silver engraving?"

"One in gold, one in silver, and one in rose gold."

"Ah, yes - I'm sure Colonel Rhodes and Miss Potts will appreciate yet another product with your surname on it."

"...Well, actually, I was going to get those for me, but now that you mention it, I should probably get some for them too."

"...What would you need three headphones for?"

"Well, I can't have gold, silver, and rose gold on one headphone. It'll clash."  
"Aren't you just the style expert."

"Nah - I only know that because Steve spent like an hour yesterday ranting about how stupid and amazing rose gold is and how it's so pretty but it doesn't compliment silver because it was pinkish or some bullshit. Honestly - leave it to Cap to be picky with gold - literally."

"Rose gold probably didn't even exist during the 1940's, sir."

"Only one kind of gold? What a shame. How did women pick their jewelry? 'Oh, I'll have goldy pinky one' - no wonder none of them wanted to get married."

"...Sir, I don't think that's quite the reason, but I'm sure you tried."

"What? That was definitely the reason. Why else wouldn't they?"

"...I'm just going to assume the sleep deprivation is talking over you. Speaking of which -"

"Don't bullshit me, Jarv - that's the only reason -"

"Sleep, sir."

"I'm not even tired!"

"You just finished four black coffees - I'd be surprised if you were."

"Exactly -"

"You're still on the brink of passing out, sir. Do both of us a favor and at least put down the soldering tool."

"...Fine."

"And the blowtorch."

"But I'm using that!"

"You won't be able to if both your hands are seared off."

"Prosthetics, Jarv. Engineers and doctors are finally learning how to work together without pissing each other off. Imagine the possibilities."

"...Again, I'm fairly sure that the arguments between those two fields of science are the reason prosthetics haven't been around forever."

"Whatever. Fuck you."

"I would have to decline. Apologies."

"More polite than most of the ladies, to be honest."

"I'd like to think that I'm a little more rare than a woman that Tony Stark has… ah, what is the phrase? 'Brought home'?"

"Getting jealous? Aw. Making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, Jarv."

"No, that's just the coffee setting in."

"Whatever. Same thing."

"But of course."


	9. Chapter 9

"Why'd you change the music?"

"Because I've heard that classical music is to be considered more tasteful than AC/DC at three in the morning."

"Where'd you hear that?"

"Agent Barton. He placed a personal request for me to 'shut off the death music' before four am."

"Is that when he goes to sleep?"

"No - it's when he starts training. Believe it or not, heavy metal is rather distracting to most people."

"Hmmph. Well, tell him that it's my tower. My tower, my rules. Now, if you would kindly turn it back on -"

"Sir, there is this incredible new invention that allows your music to only be heard by you. I believe you would find it helpful."

"Mmm? What's it called?"

"Headphones."

"...Oh. That's disappointing."

"Would it be less disappointing if there was a Stark Industries swoosh on them?"

"That would brighten the situation considerably."

"Excellent. Gold or silver engraving?"

"One in gold, one in silver, and one in rose gold."

"Ah, yes - I'm sure Colonel Rhodes and Miss Potts will appreciate yet another product with your surname on it."

"...Well, actually, I was going to get those for me, but now that you mention it, I should probably get some for them too."

"...What would you need three headphones for?"

"Well, I can't have gold, silver, and rose gold on one headphone. It'll clash."

"Aren't you just the style expert."

"Nah - I only know that because Steve spent like an hour yesterday ranting about how stupid and amazing rose gold is and how it's so pretty but it doesn't compliment silver because it was pinkish or some bullshit. Honestly - leave it to Cap to be picky with gold - literally."

"Rose gold probably didn't even exist during the 1940's, sir."

"Only one kind of gold? What a shame. How did women pick their jewelry? 'Oh, I'll have goldy pinky one' - no wonder none of them wanted to get married."

"...Sir, I don't think that's quite the reason, but I'm sure you tried."

"What? That was definitely the reason. Why else wouldn't they?"

"...I'm just going to assume the sleep deprivation is talking over you. Speaking of which -"

"Don't bullshit me, Jarv - that's the only reason -"

"Sleep, sir."

"I'm not even tired!"

"You just finished four black coffees - I'd be surprised if you were."

"Exactly -"

"You're still on the brink of passing out, sir. Do both of us a favor and at least put down the soldering tool."

"...Fine."

"And the blowtorch."

"But I'm using that!"

"You won't be able to if both your hands are seared off."

"Prosthetics, Jarv. Engineers and doctors are finally learning how to work together without pissing each other off. Imagine the possibilities."

"...Again, I'm fairly sure that the arguments between those two fields of science have nothing to do with the lack of prosthetics."

"Whatever. Fuck you."

"I would have to decline. Apologies."

"More polite than most of the ladies, to be honest."

"I'd like to think that I'm a little more rare than a woman that Tony Stark has… ah, what is the phrase? 'Brought home'?"

"Getting jealous? Aw. Making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, Jarv."

"No, sir, I believe that's just the coffee setting in."

"Whatever. Same thing. Turn the music back on. Pretty please?"

"Volume at twenty five percent, no higher."

"Aw, that's no fun -"

"Twenty five percent or Canon in D Major on loop."

"...Thirty percent?"

"Twenty seven."

"Twenty eight."

"Twenty seven point five, no more bargaining or Pachelbel for the rest of time."

"Fine."


End file.
